Thursday, March 19, 2009

thursday-13

This week I am letting it all hang out. So if you are:
easily offended, have no sense of humor
and are
looking for something politically correct
move along my friends.

However,
If you like
Letterman, Saturday Night Live or
Have ever been an overweight woman,
Like I used to be or
have a smidgin
of weight around your midsection
then
stick around

13 Smart Comebacks for women who
ARE NOT PREGNANT
To Say to People
When they come up to you
Touch your Tummy
and Ask you
When is your Baby Due?

(maybe next time they will think before they speak or touch a strangers belly)

1. I'm not pregnant, I'm just Fat.

2 Silly Rabbit, can't you tell the difference between a baby belly and a beer belly?

3. Oh dear, I was hoping no one could tell just yet.
Do you think my bosses at the Shimmy Shack will notice?
I'm due to dance in about a half hour.

4.I just miscarried last week. Thanks for reminding me.

5. I'm having octuplets, have 10 kids at home and I am broke.
Would you like to make a donation?

6. Remember Sigourney Weaver from the movie Alien?
Well it's not a movie.
It's all true.
I'm just hoping someone can save me before
this thing bursts out of my belly and people start to DIE.
(**note** keep a straight face-be dead serious)

7.I'm not sure when I am due. Then again I 'm not sure who the father is either.

8.I'm just bloated. It was all you can eat at the Taco buffet last night.
( a fart machine &/or sound effects would be a great asset at this point)

9. That's just the leftover gas from the colonoscopy I had yesterday.
I have some great pictures of my polyps.
Would you like to see them?

10. Here's the deal.
My no good husband Jimmy Bob went out drankin and
he cheated on me with that floozy that works at the bar across town.
Well that just ticked me off.
So 4 weeks later I cheated on him.
With his brother. Billy Bob.
Do you think I look 6 or 7 months pregnant?
Also do you like the name Richie Bob?


11. An Angel appeared before me and told me I was pregnant.
My husband is not happy about this.
He's really ticked off about the donkey in the backyard too.
I'm sorry, what was your question?

12. I'm not pregnant honey.
But it sure feels good when you rub my belly that way.

13.Oh crap. My colostomy bag must be full.
You wouldn't happen to have an extra Ziploc on your person would ya?

Well that's it .
Hopefully you will never be put in this situation.
But if so you now know what to say.
Happy Thursday 13:)




15 comments:

Journeywoman said...

I actually have been put in this situation. (and I'm dealing with infertilty too) My response was "I'm not pregnant, but as soon as I get home I plan on changing that!"

Janet said...

LOL good ones :-)

fullbodytransplant said...

Hilarious stuff!

Mine has squid:

http://fullbodytransplant.wordpress.com/2009/03/19/thursday-thirteen-tantalizing-tentacles/

Enjoy.

milk and cookeez said...

Those are great-sadly the only person who asked me that was 4 years old-Im not sure she would get the sarcasim-but Ill keep them ready. thanks :)

Tricia said...

I'm still giggling. Even pregnant those would be worth using to keep peoples hand off!

Tabbikat's Thoughts

Sarah said...

ROFL!!
Great comebacks!!
Thankfully, I never get asked that, but I think my two screamers prevents it most of the time ;)

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Oh, man. I have no idea what I'd do in that situation. Probably nothing nice!

sues2u2 said...

I loved them! Especially since I am fat but I think I would have loved them anyway. And thanks for the laughs. Feelin Danke!

Carmen said...

Why don't people just shut up? :) This has happened to me a few times since my last surgery, mostly because I hold my stomach sometimes for support. Mostly, I just want to punch them. :)

therubycanary said...

HAAAAA!

DoubleDeckerBusGuy said...

If I had a nickel for every time this has happened to me... "Can I rub your belly? When are you do?" they say to me... GEEZ! I know my beard is not full, but c'mon!

Sam_I_am said...

haha. oh my, that's some funny stuff!

Cricket said...

those are too awesome!! :D

samulli said...

I know it's probably not funny for anybody who really went through that, but #4 just cracked me up. LOL
I love nothing more than making stupid people feel embarrassed and that one would do the trick nicely. Then again, everybody who puts his hand anywhere on my person without my express permission is likely to lose it anyway, so I guess there's really no reason to actually say anything at all to them. :-)

*Just Jen* said...

I love it!! When I was barely beginning to show, this WHOREMONGER that I hated at work got on the elevator with me and said "looks like SOMEONE put on some weight over the holidays!" I looked her up and down and said, "I'm pregnant! What's YOUR excuse?" LOL